job hunt and gather

It’s about that time again. Yes, that time when I must embark on the world’s single most frustrating experience. Job hunting.
Hyperbole?
Potentially. Because I mean, yes, I can think of several more frustrating experiences, such as having to get up every day and go to work in a place where you believed you would be in a challenging and rewarding position only to discover that your company possesses the same high-powered soul vacuum as any other. Or if you had a pet that tried to suffocate you in your sleep despite you having long, heart-felt talks about how that hurts your feelings and your lungs, or someone tapping you on the forehead when you mess up. Or something.
Maybe, but all I know is job hunting sucks. It sucks like a vortex, like a black hole. And here I am having to do it. Again.

For those of you who have not recently embarked on the task of job hunting, the following are the stages one in its midst is likely to experience:

Procrastination (part one): In which the applicant finds numerous reasons to not begin the job hunting process, including (but not limited to), I’ll wait until the economy turns around, I’m still needed here, It’s too early to start, I really want to get my teeth flossing under control before I commit to something new, My internet mysteriously went out when I hit the box with a baseball bat, I suddenly have the urge to start theater and need a financially stable day job to support my passion, and (most commonly) I’ll start just as soon as I am not cowering in the corner out of fear.

Excitement: In which the applicant sees the world as full of possibilities. Move across the world? Why, yes, I can! Use all the skills and education I have ever gained in an integrated way? Oh definitely! Find a high-paying, stimulating, socially just job with incredible benefits, ideal coworkers, and perfect hours? Yes! I can have that too!
Incidentally, it is at this stage that everything wrong with the current place comes into harsh contrast. Thoughts such as how bad the hours are, how much paperwork there is, or how your coworkers refuse to call you Sir Awesometon are more and more apparent as you drudge through you work day.

Note: no actually job searching or applying occurs in this phase.

Over-Confidence: This is the stage that I, personally, get stuck in for a large portion of the search. The longer this lasts, the harder the fall (see Rejection: parts one and two). This is the stage in which the applicant becomes convinced that they are capable of all things, and that the employer will recognize the massive untapped potential within the applicant. This stage has led me to apply for things such as –and again, not limited to- UN Secretary General, Senior Economic Analyst, CEO positions, various positions requiring advanced degrees in economics, physics, history, psychology, social work or upwards of 15 years experience and (most recently) Senior Multi-Function Financial Analyst for Lockheed Martin. This is not a joke. I have a real problem

Procrastination (part two): This occurs because the applicant has convinced themselves that they are fully qualified for all the ridiculous jobs that any rational person could see that they are not. As a result, the applicants see no validity in continuing to apply for “lesser” and “nonideal” jobs because, obviously, they are going to get that one incredible job that they-they and nobody else- applied for.

Rejection (part one):
Dear Applicant;
Thank you for your interest in our company. After reviewing your application it is clear that you are either delusional or on drugs to have applied to a position so out of your league. For your sake we hope you applied on accident or because you lost a bet. Although we generally would not even dignify something this ludicrous with a response, in this case we are obligated to notify you that your application has been used in our company newsletter in the “Laughs” section as a way to boost morale. Please do not contact us with any further questions,

Thank you and best of luck,
Management


Under Confidence: A reaction to Rejection in which the applicant feels convinced they are nothing, have no education, experience, or ability to perform at a level above a two year old child. Applicants model this emotion by, in turn, acting like a two year old child. Indicative of this phase is the tendency to cry, pout, complain loudly to anyone who can hear, complain quietly to pets and/or stuffed animals, call parents to complain and demand sympathy, lie on the floor in a melodramatic heap.
Note: No actually job searching or applying occurs in this phase.

Desperation: In which the applicant applies to everything they can find, including those jobs not in their field, or for which they are vastly overqualified.

Procrastination (part three): During which all endeavors seem equally interesting, that is to say all are equally more interesting than job searching. This includes catching up on emails and phone calls, deep cleaning, cooking elaborate dinners, exercising, and friendship bracelet making.

Interviewing: As a result of the Desperation phase, the applicant has managed to apply for and receive an interview in various placements. The goal of this phase is to flirt enough that the interviewers like you, but not so much that they feel you will be a competitive force in the cut-throat office flirting sector.

Rejection (part two): In which the applicant discovers someone has better interview flirting skills.

Dear Applicant,
We loved you. You were perfect and amazing. It’s not you, really, it’s us. We’re just looking for something a little different right now, you know? And, well, we met someone and just hit it off really well
I’ll always have you in my heart,
The Management

The Tease:“We will keep your application on file”

Victory (?): Finally, too exhausted and jaded to enjoy it, the applicant receives an offer, decides that nothing better is likely to come along, and accepts. Subsequently, applicant blows entire first pay check on things they have promised themselves they would buy when they “finally had money.” As a result, the newly employed job searcher cannot afford to feed themselves and live off rice for the following two weeks.